Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Your Heart

It's my tears
that make you want to change.
Look into my eyes,
travel to the depths of my soul.
Say a million things
without a trace of sound.

Consume my life
with the rhythmic beatings
of your heart.
A feeling only felt,
a fight fought for too long.

What you are to the world,
I become the very same.
For you, I'll live a million lives,
for it's a thought of the heart,
and not of the mind.


Gina said...

If you're worried about the title, I would change it to something less generic and more specifically dad-related if you want to communicate the idea that this poem is about your dad. To be perfectly honest, I could not tell who this poem was meant for until I read your note; if the title was something like "To my dad", it would get the idea right across without you having to say it directly in your poem. Remember, readers will understand your poems better if they feel like they know where you're coming from/you make them feel smart because they have an idea of what to expect. So just be more specific.

What my perception of this poem is:

1. The speaker's dad only changes when he is guilt-tripped.

2. The speaker feels a strong connection to her dad, as she mimics him or aspires to have the same impact on the world.

3. The connection between the dad and the girl is emotional, not intellectual; or at least, the emotional connection is the one that matters.

4. The girl and her dad have a sometimes turbulent relationship.

Questions to the writer:

1. Why is the "fight fought for too long"? Does this signify a fight between the two characters, or a struggle undergone by both for a common purpose?

2. What is meant by the girl wanting the dad to "consume [her] life with the rhythmic beatings of [his] very heart"? Does it mean that she wants the dad to care more?

Constructive criticism:
The "very" in the second stanza is superfluous and a bit overdone for my personal taste; I personally would remove it, but deal with it as you please.

How's the challenge going?

Gina said...

I stumbled across this blog and it's absolutely fascinating:

SHWYD stands for "So how was your day?" The blog consists of stories (a lot from college students and younger) about a true account of one day in their life. The stories can be funny, tragic, and/or heartwarming.
Word verification: tubers
Haha tubers :)!!!

Bela said...

I suppose I may change it. But would it fit with the idea of relating the poems to the reader's life?

Wow, you hit the nail right on he head. I actually want to cry...

"A fight fought for too long" refers to...smoking. What a shock. Yes, he's smoking again. And again.

Your second question: Care more, yes, and stay alive. Actually, at the rate he's going, he could be gone in the next ten years.

I thought that the "very" was easiest to add in because the line would have been too short. I'll change that.


I'll check that blog out! I actually saw it on your profile a little while ago and I've been meaning to check into it...