Friday, April 10, 2009

What's Wrong With Me

I'm hearing voices in my sleep,
waiting for some answers
when all I hear are questions.
I'm feeling like I'm headed
for a breakdown.
How did I lose my mind?

When did I begin
correcting myself in public?
I'm tired of looking away,
dodging glances in the street
for no reason.
Who were they,
and who did I used to be?

I hear them whisper my name,
and it makes me think
that there must be something
wrong with me.
I've spent so many hours thinking
that somehow I've lost my mind.
Where did my life go?

No one knows what it's like
to be on the edge of breaking down.
Can anyone pull me back
after I've started to jump?
I've been out of the shadows so long,
I can't remember who I was.
How can I find my way?


Gina said...

Hmm...I've sort of been wonderinig when you'd post something like this. Most of your poetry lately has held a big component of insecurity and almost paranoia of the people around you.

I don't know what to say to you, other than to vent it out here-- maybe you can get rid of all of this overwhelming feeling by solidifyiing it into words and getting it out of your mindspace.

I like to think of writing as a sort of Pensieve, but then again, you're not a Harry Potter girl, so that analogy isn't going to help you too much. :)

Well, I'm here-- I'm on break, so I'm even more "here" here than usual if I need to be. :)

And yes, I did have matzah ball soup at my friend's seder on Wednesday. (Matzah is my friend's mom's preferred spelling, so I'm just used to spelling it that way.)

Bela said...

Yeah, I guess that's the only way...I don't really know what's been going on with me. I realize that this poem makes me sounds schizophrenic and...delusional, for lack of a better word...but it's not really that. Let's just call it hard to explain...

Haha, well, I'm starting to read Harry Potter, my Reading Seminar teacher is making me :)

I don't really have a preferred way of spelling matzah/matzo ball soup, so I just spell it the way the box says it :) Matzah/o ball soup is good :D

Break? From what, pray tell...

Gina said...

break... from school? It's April break/spring break in Norwalk. It's not what MTV says it's cracked up to be. ;)

Reading Seminar teacher?? Is this a normal thing in Weston schools, or is this for something outside of school?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU: You are a teenage girl.

Gotta go watch "House". Why is that show becoming strangely addictive for me? I only started watching it Saturday. Ah well. So far this vacation, I have been watching TV and playing cards hyper-competitively with Maria. Total brain break :)

Bela said...

Haha ohhh, gotcha. Sorry, I was just talking to one of the fab five (MK) and she was on her job.

Good times playing cards, good times. No gambling I hope. ILLEGAL! Haha, kidding...

Yeah, I guess I'm a teenage girl...but the thing is, why doesn't any of this happen to other teenage girls? I know that it might be and I may not know of it, but why does it have to hurt so much?

Gina said...

Because they're still wokring on the anaesthetic for life. The ones they have now are immoral, illegal, or at least fattening.

Okay, so I ripped off that last part from something else... :)

Bela said...

TV show? That's SO Gina :)

Haha, I just finished some serious advertising for my blog...I need to be discovered...

But even though I did lots of advertising, I'm not done yet :)

Gina said...

Actually, I ripped that off from a brand of olive oil, I just remembered :) I like the icon a bunch. Did you go advertise on the writing blog I sent you the link to?

Bela said...

Oh no, i advertised on Google, Yahoo, and MSN.

Bela said...

And thanks for the comment about the icon :) I figured it would fit in nicely with the blog title :)

E_M_Y said...

I think some one has talent!

DragonRaid said...

In my experience, I found it better to just vent it out on paper (or on blogger).

As for "no one knows what it's like to be on the edge of breaking down" thing, I beg to differ. You're not alone as you think :)

Bela said...

Wow! Thanks, E_M_Y! That means a lot to me :)

DragonRaid - That's good to know, thanks for that :) Though sometimes, I find myself forgetting that I'm not alone because I feel so alone due to the fact that everyone around me seems...happier than I am...

Gina said...

Yeah, so you never answered my original question about the "reading seminar teacher"...

Bela said...

Ah, Advanced Reading Seminar is an academic elective. It's like a second English course (in addition to academic English) for the kids who scored higher than most in the English CMT's.

Gina said...

Eww CMTs. >:P SOO glad I'm done with those! And with the CAPT... the only major standardaized tests I forsee in my future are the SATs/ACTs... bleh.

Gina said...

Advenced Reading Seminar sounds like a fun class though. How any kids are in it? It sort of sounds like an English-only version of AT (Academically Talented--what an awful name). I miss AT... there were 4 teachers who rotated among the middle schools, so a different teacher every quarter, basically. I miss Mr. Livingston... I want him to be my English teacher now. :( (In AT, each of the teachers teaches a different subject-- math-related stuff, science, humanities, and English. It was a great class.)

Bela said...

Haha, what great fun :) At least you guys had classes for all subject ranges...

Ooh, CAPT/ACT/SAT, yuck :(
Franci is taking the SAT's right now. Well, not at this very moment, but you know what I mean. :)